I am almost 37 weeks pregnant and I have an induction date all set up so I know that in just two and a half short weeks this baby with be with us ready or not! Right now I'm leaning toward not. We have a stroller and a car seat, a basinet, and some clothes. But I haven't picked out a crib, baby monitors or gotten a baby bath. I'm not too worried as those are all things that can come later. But I do worry I've forgotten something important.
This morning as I was standing at the counter cutting up a bunch of fruit for breakfast. The boys were sitting at the kitchen island chatting and laughing, Mark was underneath the kitchen sink fixing the faucet, our little Scotty dog was where he always seems to be which was a sleep on my feet. I stopped for just a second and looked at them all and listened to the happy chatter and I got teary. It's partly hormones I'm sure, but for that moment I thought about where my life has lead and how years ago I would never have imagined being here and yet here in that moment it felt like everything was just as it should be. I have my own house, two happy, healthy, no longer little boys, a husband who wakes up and asks me first thing what he can do to help. And then doesn't complain, even though I'm sure he wanted too, when I asked him to crawl under the sink and fix it. The summer sun was shining and for once the kitchen was fairly clean. It was such an ordinary moment and yet for that split second I could see how perfect it really was. I wanted to get out my camera and take a picture but I didn't want to disrupt the moment.
Sometimes I worry about what adding a 5th person to our family will do. I have no doubts I will love this little boy with all my heart, I feel like I already do. There is something about knowing it's your last time pregnant that makes every little movement or kick special. But right now our family is doing so well. We had a hard last few years and it seems that finally everything is settled and we are all content with our lot in life. Will he be healthy? Will he be a good sleeper? Or will I spend my life as a zombie? Will the boys take to having a little person ruining their lego ships and pokemon cards? Will they love him and teach him what they already learned in their short lives? Or will they ignore the little boy who will be 8 and 10 years younger than them? Why did I think this was a good idea? I feel like the boys somehow managed to become amazing little people despite my Mothering not because of it. What if this baby doesn't take it as well? These are questions I find myself asking the heavens every night as I lay sleepless in bed and the closer it gets to the baby arriving the more questions I have. Please tell me I'm not the only Mother to feel this way?